Wayne Rooney

Alex Ferguson calls Wayne Rooney into his office.

'Wayne’, he says, 'I'm worried about your performance at the end of the season and in the World Cup.'

'Sorry, boss', says Wayne. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'

'Oh dear,' says Ferguson, pretending to care. 'What's up? Waynetta, err, I mean Colleen and little Kai OK?'

'Oh they're fine', says Wayne. 'It's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me up.'

'Whatever's the matter?’ says Fergie.

'Well, boss', says Wayne, ‘I know it sounds daft but I'm really stuck on this jigsaw and...'

'A jigsaw!' shouts Alex. 'You're screwing up every time you play because of a bloody jigsaw?'

'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in,' says Wayne in his nasal Scouse accent. 'It's really hard and it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my brain down. I just want to finish it, but it's really hard and it's doing my head in.

Ferguson waits until even Rooney realises he's repeating himself and has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual. 'Wayne,' he says, with that conceited, irritating, smug smile he uses for self-congratulatory post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in and let's have a look at it. For Christ's sake, we've got to get you back to scoring goals.'

'Oh thanks, boss,' says Wayne, so he brings the jigsaw into Ferguson's office.
'Here it is, boss,' says Rooney emptying all the pieces from the box over Ferguson's desk.

'Wayne,' sighs Ferguson, 'Put the Frosties back in the box.'